Traditions, the Ordinary, the Amazing and the Awful

January 15, 2018

When I finished my last radiation treatment on December 20th, I asked my radiation oncologist, "What do I do now?" He replied, "Nothing really. Just rest and recover".  I've got to be honest, that wasn't what I expected to hear. I expected some long list of things that I would need to change.  I expected more appointments to make and more specific healthcare instructions to follow. I do have one "at home" treatment that I have to administer to myself for quite sometime; but other than that, I'm just following doctor's orders and resting and recovering from the most unexpected, terrifying and exhausting experience of my life.

I'm glad I rang the bell to signify the end of treatment as I posted earlier. Because you see, in many ways walking away from the cancer treatment center that day was quite anticlimactic after all the anxiety, weariness, emotional turmoil, hubbub and daily inconvenience. It felt right to mark the end of that journey with some sort of ceremony. Bell ringing was a good thing. But, with that traditional bell ringing ceremony at the center, no pronouncement is made that you are well. The treatment is over.  That is the pronouncement. That is the celebration. I choose to believe I am healed.

I left the facility that day, went home and slept and rested for two days. I woke up the third day and then went right into "get all of the Christmas shopping done in one and half days mode!" It was a hectic, fun diversion. There were meals to plan, worship services to prepare, cards to write, presents to wrap, friends and family to call or visit, decorating to finish, and a house to clean for my Christmas company. Then, there was the wonderful tradition of Christmas Eve services with our church family and Christmas Day celebration with our little family. That didn't leave a lot of time for "woe is me". All of the traditions we've observed and the Christmas prep that we have done every year of our lives, we did again. Cancer or no cancer - Christmas 2017 came! It reminded me of the routine of life - the ordinary.

The fact that after such a huge event in my life we went right into our traditions that have been with us every year of our lives meant a lot to me. It reminded me that I'm in the middle of my life. It isn't over. There are the very difficult times, but then there are the normal things:  the grocery shopping and the errands and the cleaning and the getting up every morning for work. My life is really not made up of only the major, big horrible moments or the major, big wonderful moments. It is mostly just made up of ordinary days. L.R Knost said:

"Life is amazing. And then it's awful. And then it's amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful, it's ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That's just living, heart breaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it's breathtakingly beautiful."

I've thought of some of my favorite memories in life and most of them occurred on normal days. I could share many, but I'll share one today. I remember a day, about 26 years ago, when we lived in Weatherford and Tom taught at Weatherford College. He had taken our only car on an out of town trip for work for several days and I didn't have a car.  Jordan was 2 1/2 years old. I was sick of being couped up in the house. We had already walked to the park several times. At the time I probably was mad about it and complaining a bit in my spirit. I don't remember that, but knowing me, that was probably the case. I grabbed Jordan and his stroller and we walked all the way to McDonalds. (don't judge....I know, I know).

Jordan... at 2 years and 2 months

It was a long way from our house. He loved to play on the McDonalds playground. He needed to be entertained and I needed to get out of the house. I ordered him a happy meal and we sat and ate lunch together after we had played on the playground for a long time. While we were eating, in walked a family of short people. When I was young, they were  called "midgets" in those insensitive olden days. I think "short people" is more in keeping with modern terminology. I might be wrong. It is so hard to know how to "label" certain things. The last thing I would want to do is offend. Anyway, Jordan had never seen a family of short people. And as a 2 and1/2 year old he was absolutely mesmerized. I watched him watch every movement the little family made. At first he looked confused, then he shouted at the top of his lungs in a very excited voice, "look mommy! It's puppet people!" I remember cringing. I remember wanting to be invisible. There was a hushed silence that came over the entire restaurant. I smiled at Jordan, grabbed him and the stroller and we headed home. On the way I laughed and told him about families that look different. I explained God made all kinds of people and they are all dearly loved by their creator. We should look at everyone as part of God's precious family.

It was an ordinary day. It started out with me being grouchy because I was couped up in the house, then taking a long walk to just do something different!  I enjoyed the walk and time with my little boy. Then, we did something HE liked to do at a place that HE enjoyed. I loved spending time with him and seeing him have fun. Then, he said something that really was absolutely hilarious considering the circumstances, but I was mortified because I didn't want the people to feel offended. We left quickly and enjoyed a teachable moment on the way home about the beauty of God's imaginative creation and all the wonderful, different types of people in the world. It was just an ordinary day, but really, it was quite extraordinary. To quote L.R. Knost again...It was "breathtakingly beautiful."

On Sunday our Pastor, Jon Sherman, used an umbrella as an illustration. Life is not divided into categories (like the spokes of a big umbrella). Instead, it is all .... the amazing, the awful and the ordinary.... under the umbrella of a loving God working out His purposes. We are called to love HIM with all our heart and soul and mind. After this cancer journey, I realize it really isn't all about me.  Oh, yes, I've read that, heard that and tried to believe that for sometime. But, I don't know if I've really KNOWN it.  You know?

Sometimes things will work out just like I want them to. More often than not, they won't. Sometimes it will just be an ordinary Tuesday. People will let me down, gossip about me, try to compete with me, (I really didn't know there was a competition). But sometimes, (like in the midst of a cancer journey) people will be amazing.  Remember Pam: (I'm talking to myself here!) it isn't about me!  If I realize I'm walking under the umbrella of God's love and I'm blessed to be a part of THE story that HE is telling the world, then my ordinary days will suddenly seem quite extraordinary. The fact He can use me to help tell the story, well that is definitely extraordinary. Maybe I will begin to recognize more of my ordinary days as being "breathtakingly beautiful". I hope so.

So here's to a healthy 2018. We still have to get Tom through his cancer treatments. We ask your prayers for him on the journey he will walk this spring. We will get through it. We will face the amazing, the awful and the ordinary under the big umbrella of the love of God.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Pam