Can you believe the sad events of the last week? It has made me very anxious. I know there is a deep racial divide in our country and I don't know what to do about it. It hurts my heart that Philando Castile and Alton Sterling were shot by police in horrible, questionable circumstances and my angst about it separates me from people who don't feel the same.
I am also completely heart broken and almost dumb founded with the fact that a troubled, crazed, wicked gunman would ambush policeman who were simply serving and protecting a group that was peacefully protesting. This is sadder than sad. Lorne Ahrens, Patirck Zamarripa, Michael Smith, Brent Thompson and Michael Krol were courageous, dedicated policemen and family men. They leave grieving wives and children behind and a grieving, shocked nation. I heard a great pastor say once that when you speak to someone who is expressing their feelings you must answer with feelings, and when you are speaking with someone giving you facts you answer with facts. Well, today I'm answering feelings with feelings because the wounds are too recent to do much more than just feel that pain.
When I hear racist comments it makes me cringe. Usually I'm pretty quick to speak against hateful comments, but sometimes I just retreat. I walk away and think how sad, how hateful, how ridiculous. But I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to change minds or hearts. I know that ultimately only God can change hearts and minds. But, God also created me to be unique and to be a vessel to be used for His glory. Knowing how to go about doing that is hard for me sometimes. I'm not a self assured type of person and I wonder if I can make a difference at all.
I am confident that I am part of a bigger story. So, since I really do believe this to be true, my little stories from my life experiences are part of that bigger story too. So today I'm going to share some stories of things that have happened in my life to show me that there truly is a racial divide, people are hateful to others because of the color of their skin and many people have a heart that is so hardened about this issue that they fail to see it exists or they just don't want to admit that it does.
In 2001 I accepted a teaching position at O.D. Wyatt High School in Fort Worth, Texas. I was the assistant (mostly just the accompanist) to a brilliant choir director named Jewel Kelly. She had taught in the public schools as a choir director for over 40 years at that time. She was a great choral director and an inspirational individual. At that time O.D. Wyatt was primarily an African American school. I only remember 2 white students and 2 other white teachers besides myself. I was definitely the minority at this job.
I learned so much about teaching choir from Ms. Kelly. She was a force of nature. My biggest education came from being in the African American culture. I was definitely the outsider, but was treated very well; however, there was a level of distrust towards me. In my years of being a teacher I have always bonded quickly with my students. By the second or third day of a new school year there are students who seem to like me and want to come into my room to talk with me or hang out. It was not that way at Wyatt. I think it took about 6 weeks for any students to warm up to me. I remember one time making a sarcastic, what I thought was witty remark as I often do with my students and it was immediately misinterpreted, misunderstood and met with disdain. I was just making a joke! But I realize I had offended some students and they did not like that type of sarcasm coming from the only white lady in the room. I learned to weigh my words carefully because I obviously was not trusted enough to be sarcastic!
I was always in awe of the sounds Ms. Kelly could get from her choirs. She was able to get a beautiful choral blend and she cared for the details and nuance in the music. I felt more emotion from her groups than I have ever felt in any other musical setting. I've had plenty of directors or musician or singer friends talk about expressing the story in a song, but no one can get that out of singers like Jewel Kelly. She is amazing in that way. Because of this exceptional emotion and musical excellence her choirs are asked to perform all over the state and in other parts of the country as well! She has former choir members who would brag about her in the same glowing terms. One such former student is the extremely talented, grammy winning Kirk Franklin.
I'm going to share some true experiences that I have had so you can start to see how my opinion about racism and a great racial divide has been formed. Here we go...
Wyatt choirs have a beautiful Christmas carol repertoire and we were asked to perform at many places in the DFW area at Christmas time. I remember we were singing at a large Bank building in Dallas. The choir was doing a moving performance and hundreds of people gathered around to watch us. Compliments and applause and smiles were the norm at these events. When our performance ended the man who had booked our group came up to me and said, "thank you so much for bringing your choir to perform for us, here is your check for the performance." I immediately told him I was only the assistant, he needed to give the money to our director, Ms. Kelly. He said, "oh, ok, I just assumed you were the director. I was the only white person in the group. Hmmmmm....
Then, on another occasion we were headed out of town at about 5AM in the morning. We were on our way to East Texas on a little mini-tour. Ms. Kelly had gone to the Admin building the night before to pick up the check for our per diem. Each child was to receive an allotted amount for meals each day that we were traveling. The Administration had given her one big check. The problem was that she had picked it up so late in the day she couldn't get to the bank the night before. Her plan was to cash the check at a bank in the town we were going to that day. We arrived in this small East Texas town about 9:00 AM. Ms. Kelly went to the bank to cash the FWISD check. They wouldn't cash it for her. I was waiting on the bus with the students. Ms. Kelly came out to the bus and said, "Mrs. Burchill, will you come in the bank with me, they aren't going to cash this check." Naive as I am, I had no idea how I could be any help. I simply went with her to the same teller window and just verified that we really were a group from FWISD that was touring the area on a choir tour. With my verification, they went ahead and cashed the check. Hmmmmmm......
Another time we traveled to Austin to sing at the Capital. We stayed at a nice hotel. Ms. Kelly was very gracious that time and allowed me to bring my son along. He always enjoyed hearing the choir and sometimes Ms. Kelly let him sing with them if he could learn the song quickly enough to do so. On the day we were preparing to leave a lot of the kids stopped at the hotel gift shop to pick up souvenirs or snacks. When my son and I walked into the souvenir shop the lady behind the counter was going nuts. She was shouting, "one of the students stole a beanie baby, one of the students stole a beanie baby." I asked her if she was sure and she said she knew exactly the number of beanie babies that she had and she was positive. I wanted to calm the lady down. She was kind of over the top about the situation; so, I simply asked her how much the beanie baby cost. She told me. I paid for it. My son and I left the shop and started walking towards the bus. Ms. Kelly came up to me. She was furious with me. She scolded me in front of everyone for paying for that Beanie Baby. She asked me how much I paid and I told her and she gave me the money. She then got everyone on the bus and shouted at the children and told them we weren't leaving until the culprit confessed. He did. She got the Beanie baby and took it back to the lady in the souvenir shop.
I realized I had greatly offended her. I was just trying to smooth things over with the upset woman in the shop, but what I had done was show that the white lady will take care of the evil thing the black child did. I was so confused. I knew that I was just trying to help, but I had greatly offended everyone. Ms. Kelly was a proud woman and was trying her best to help teach these kids right from wrong. They were a very well behaved group. She use to say, "I don't want no silly choir". She did not tolerate one of her students stealing. That child was punished and not allowed to go on any more choir trips the rest of that school year.
In case you are reading this and thinking, "see the black children are stealing things". Please put that out of your head. I remember once not too many years ago taking an all white choir on a trip to UIL and on the way home a very wealthy, privileged child stole a magazine. When I was informed of this by another student we called her out in front of all the kids on the bus. My husband was along as a chaperone. He accompanied the girl back in the gas station and made her apologize to the cashier and give the magazine back. I think I would have been "Ms. Kelly mad" if one of the adults on the trip had paid for the magazine.
My husband directed a jazz band for years that had many African American students in it. There were also white and hispanic kids in the band. The music was a great unifier. He loved his students and invested in them musically and relationally. They taught him as much as he taught them! One Saturday his small group jazz combo had traveled together to play in a small town in Texas. This small group happened to be an all black group. They had been invited to play for an event on the town square. Their performance was well received. It was lunch time when the group finished playing so my husband offered to buy everyone lunch at a local cafe on the square.
They were dressed very nicely in suits for the performance so they looked like a very dashing group! They entered the cafe and sat at a table. They waited and waited and waited and waited. They waited some more. They watched other patrons being waited on by servers. No one ever came to their table. My husband was furious and wanted to make a big deal about it. He wanted to talk with the cafe owner or someone who was in charge. His students just said, "Tom, let's just go. This isn't the first time this has happened and it won't be the last." They left and went to have lunch somewhere else. Tom was shocked. He had no idea. We had no idea that kind of thing still happened.
I think a lot of us have no idea.
Slavery ended just a little over 150 years ago. That is 7 generations. Seven generations ago there were Americans who claimed Black people were less than human. They were property. They were ripped of their heritage, their dignity, their freedom and stolen from their families, their homes, their way of life. They were forced to adapt to a new place and find ways to survive in the worst of human conditions. They helped to build our country, but have struggled to figure out their place in the country. Even with an African American president racial inequality still exists. I think in some way they are a people who suffer from generational post traumatic stress. Slavery is a great evil. Can you imagine the stories past down from generation to generation?
As with every problem on the planet. I believe God is the answer. The church is the hand of God in our world. Jesus calls us to be salt and light in a dark and hateful, even wicked world. The church needs to stand up and say, "we want racial reconciliation because God wants racial reconciliation". I believe we will be worshiping in heaven one day with every tribe, every nation, every tongue. I believe it because that is what the Bible teaches. That is also what I feel in my heart. I think this is a feeling that is from the Lord.
Here is a convicting quote from Martin Luther King's letter from a Birmingham jail.
"But the judgment of God is on the church as never before. If today's church does not recapture the sacrificial spirit of the early church it will lose its authenticity, forfeit the loyalty of millions and be dismissed as an irrelevant social club with no meaning for the twentieth century".
We are in the 21st century now and I believe a call to sacrificial living and authenticity has been crying out for years and years. I am convicted. I am personally on my knees trying to figure out how I can make a difference. How can I stand for Christ honoring love and compassion every day and draw people to God's love which never looks at outward appearance, but sees right through to the heart.
These are just my thoughts on the Tuesday after a most sad and upsetting week in America.
God bless you as you struggle to find your way through this time too.
Soli deo gloria
PAM
