Good news, Birds and God's Love
About 4 years ago I had a really hurtful experience and I sank into a clinical depression. It was horrible. No one really knew-except Tom, who as he always does, hung in there with me and helped to see me through that ugly, dark pit.
During that time I prayed a lot. I was on my knees quite a bit just asking God to help me. One night, when I was particularly sad, somehow I came to an "agreement" with God. I just expressed in a prayer that I needed to be assured of His love for me. I asked for some kind of sign. When you're going through depression sometimes you just need something tangible to help you. It came to my mind that I needed a reminder of God's deep love for me. During one of my heartfelt prayer sessions I felt like I heard God's voice (no, I'm not a weirdo...He didn't speak out loud). It was just a strong impression. It seemed to say, "whenever you hear a bird sing, it is my reminder to you that I love you". This became our "agreement".
That may sound crazy, but for me it was a tangible thing that manifested itself in truly amazing ways. On one particular dark night I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I woke up and the first thing I heard were some birds singing outside my bedroom window. It felt like a warm hug from a God who truly loves me. Ever since then whenever I hear a bird sing, I think..."God is giving me the reminder that He sees, He knows and He cares for me." Since that time, I've heard birds singing at the most interesting moments.
Fast forward to this "C" word experience. Cancer sucks. In case your wondering how I feel about it, I'll say it again...CANCER SUCKS! For the past 2 weeks I've been waiting on approval from my insurance company for a PetScan that my oncologist ordered so that they could do the test to determine whether or not radiation will be enough of a treatment, or if I will have to endure chemotherapy. I'm scared to death of chemotherapy. I have been so anxious for 2 weeks. I haven't been able to sleep, my blood pressure (which has never been high) has been through the roof, I have heart palpitations and I've felt like a basket case. Not trying to sugar coat anything here; instead, just giving you the facts. You can tell, I haven't been a super strong soldier.
Now that you know the back-story I must tell you the remarkable story of this past weekend.
On Friday night my sweet friend, Kara Walton (who is our vocalist intern at church) reserved tickets for Tom and me to go to the UNT Jazz Singer concert to hear her and the group perform. Friday after school I felt pretty tired and kind of sick to my stomach. Tom encouraged me to suck it up and go to the performance. He knew I'd love to see Kara sing and he knew that I love Jennifer Barnes and the Jazz Singers. Tom knew it would lift my spirits. It did.
After the concert we waited to say hi to Kara. She came and gave us a hug and we congratulated her on a wonderful performance. She gave me a little package and said her mother had made something special for me. Her mom couldn't make the concert and she wanted to express her gratitude to Tom and I for being Kara's Texas family. Kara's mom had hand sewn four beautiful little birds. There was one for spring, summer, fall and winter. They were precious. Kara also gave me a note from her mom.
We drove home after the concert and when I unloaded the car I grabbed the birds, but misplaced the note. I hadn't had a chance to read it.
I have one dear and close long time friend, Margaret Ashmore who is a cancer survivor. She's been through it all - chemo, radiation, t-cell transplant, etc. She's been on the cancer rollercoaster. On Sunday morning I couldn't get calmed down. I had been up most of the night. I sent her a text message and asked her to pray. I told her that I just couldn't get a handle on my anxiety. It was getting the best of me. She understood and promised to pray and talk with me later in the day.
The entire day Sunday was an emotional rollercoaster. On top of my anxious thoughts I had guilt for not being able to just give my anxiety to God and leave it there. I was not handling the waiting and not knowing well at all. I practiced deep breathing, sat quietly, went outside for fresh air. Really, nothing at all was working. Then I went to get some things out of the car and I found the note from Kara's mom. I read it. She explained her inspiration for making the birds for me. She also wrote out every lyric to the song, "His Eye is on the Sparrow". "Jesus is my portion, my constant friend is He, He eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me. I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free. His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me." Each little bird also had a bell sewn into it so that it sounds like the bird is singing when you shake it.
I cried my eyes out. I realized that God really was listening to my cries for help. He heard my prayer and He gave me the most amazing tangible reminder. After reading Kara's mom's notes about the birds my anxiety went away. For the first time in two weeks I could breathe without a tightness in my chest. I knew God was listening and He heard my cries. He had manifested our "agreement" in the sweetest way. Kara didn't know about my bird agreement. Neither did her mom. Crazy coincidence? I think not!
That night I decided to reach out on Facebook and ask people to pray. Over 300 people agreed to pray for me. My mom's church and her prayer group were remembering me in prayer. My McAnally family was praying for me. People at TBC were praying for me. Former students were praying for me. Tom's former students were praying for me. Musician friends were praying for me. Jordan and his friends in Austin were praying for me. Even a friend who lives in Korea was praying for me! It was an amazing and encouraging outpouring of love.
The results of the scan came in today. It was a CLEAN SCAN. The one lymph node that had been swollen...no cancer...it was clean. I will not have to have chemotherapy! If I can get through these next few weeks of radiation, that will be the extent of my treatment for this bout with the dreaded "C" word.
I am amazed at the goodness of God. He is the healer. That lymph node was swollen two weeks ago in the CatScan. Between that time and Monday's PetScan, it was healed. I give God the credit. The prayers of the Saints were heard. I am blessed beyond measure.
Since I can't hear birds singing in the radiation room I now take one of the little birds that Kara's mom made me into the room with me. I hold it during my treatment and jingle it a little to hear its song. It is a tangible reminder that God is in that radiation room with me. Sometimes I imagine the angel armies in the room as well. I know this for sure....God loves me. He loves you too. My little birds serve as a tangible reminder.
Thanks for the prayers my friends. You are an amazing army of prayer warriors and I am forever grateful. Your sincere prayers were answered in the most incredible, positive way.
Soli Deo Gloria.
Pam
