"COME AND SEE WHAT GOD HAS DONE"

(This is a lovely Christmas song entitled, "Noel" that I had the honor of singing last year on Christmas Eve. This is a video of the song from one of the Christmas Eve services, 2016.)

The line from the song in the above video, "Come and see what God has done" is the title for today's blog. Because you see, God has done a lot in my life this fall. Here is a little bit more of the story of my cancer/life journey.

On Wednesday, December 20th I had my final radiation treatment! It was a big deal. They have a tradition at the treatment facility. When you finish your radiation treatments you read aloud a quote that is displayed on the wall. Sorry, I didn't memorize it or write it down; however, it was all about the journey you've completed and looking forward to the future with hope. After you read it, you ring a bell three times. Well, I rang the heck out of that sucker. Here is a pic....

Can you tell that I am quite happy? So thankful to be done with my treatments for cancer. So hopeful that the cancer is out of my body and I'm on the road to being healthy and whole. That is what we are claiming and believing. I'm healing and feeling a little bit better with each sunrise.

As I came to the finish of the prescribed treatments it seemed like a real time of reflection. I had some hard moments this fall, but at every turn I saw the grace of God. God's grace was evident in the kind hug of a radiation technician who saw the tears in my eyes before one particularly difficult treatment. God's grace was evident in a husband willing to drive me to treatments every single, solitary day. It was not convenient. It was a huge inconvenience; however, Tom wanted to support me. He shows his love through his gift of service and that gift was given to him by the grace of God.  God's grace was evident in my son, who called every day to check up on me and encourage me and lift me up during this time. It was by the grace of God that my PetScan was clear and I was told I would not need to have chemotherapy, when two weeks prior they had said I would probably have to have chemo. It was by the grace of God that I was able to keep working throughout the daily radiation treatments. It was the grace of God who led my boss to write me encouraging notes and to ask my fellow teachers (public school mind you) to pray for me. It was by the grace of God that I had dear friends who called me or texted me, or sent me an encouraging note. I received many of those calls, texts and notes just at a moment when I felt alone and fearful. It was by the grace of God that I made it through one of the most difficult seasons I've faced so far in life.  It will be by the grace of God that I learn to be more caring and aware of people who are sick and struggling. By His grace, maybe I can be the one who offers the hug or the kind word or note of encouragement. Now that I know how much it means to someone, I must pay it forward.

I'll be sharing some of the things that I learned during this season in the next few blogs. As a little bit of an introduction to that, I want to end today's entry with a mention of one of the main things I've gained from this journey. I have just begun to gain an elementary understanding of COMMON GRACE. I'm also growing in my theology of work. These two things are changing me in ways I never imagined. I'll be sharing more about it in blogs to come.

God is bigger than I've thought Him to be. He uses people and things that I never imagined He would use. He can use an atheist doctor to heal many people. He can be helpful and kind and compassionate. Because the doctor is not a Christian, would I refuse to be treated by him? That would be ludicrous. God gifted that man or woman...even if they don't acknowledge where their intelligence, compassion,  calling and drive came from. 

God's story is being told, His story is going to be told and He is writing it in whatever way He pleases using whatever people or instruments of grace that He chooses. COMMON GRACE is changing the way I see the world and I am very thankful for that. 

"The Lord is good to all and His mercy is over all that He has made." Psalm 145:9

"For when Gentiles, who do not have the law, by nature do what the law requires, they are a law to themselves, even though they do not have the law. They show that the work of the law is written on their hearts, while their conscience also bears witness, and their conflicting thoughts accuse or even excuse them."  - Romans 2:14-15

"But, I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father which is in Heaven. For He makes His sun rise on the evil and the good and sends rain on the just and the unjust." - Matthew 5:44-45

Very thankful to have seen and acknowledge God's grace to everyone.

Soli Deo gloria

Pam

November 14, 2017

Good news, Birds and God's Love

About 4 years ago I had a really hurtful experience and I sank into a clinical depression. It was horrible. No one really knew-except Tom, who as he always does, hung in there with me and helped to see me through that ugly, dark pit.

During that time I prayed a lot. I was on my knees quite a bit just asking God to help me. One night, when I was particularly sad, somehow I came to an "agreement" with God. I just expressed in a prayer that I needed to be assured of His love for me. I asked for some kind of sign. When you're going through depression sometimes you just need something tangible to help you. It came to my mind that I needed a reminder of God's deep love for me.  During one of my heartfelt prayer sessions I felt like I heard God's voice (no, I'm not a weirdo...He didn't speak out loud). It was just a strong impression. It seemed to say, "whenever you hear a bird sing, it is my reminder to you that I love you".  This became our "agreement".

That may sound crazy, but for me it was a tangible thing that manifested itself in truly amazing ways. On one particular dark night I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I woke up and the first thing I heard were some birds singing outside my bedroom window. It felt like a warm hug from a God who truly loves me. Ever since then whenever I hear a bird sing, I think..."God is giving me the reminder that He sees, He knows and He cares for me." Since that time, I've heard birds singing at the most interesting moments.

Fast forward to this "C" word experience. Cancer sucks. In case your wondering how I feel about it, I'll say it again...CANCER SUCKS! For the past 2 weeks I've been waiting on approval from my insurance company for a PetScan that my oncologist ordered so that they could do the test to determine whether or not radiation will be enough of a treatment, or if I will have to endure chemotherapy. I'm scared to death of chemotherapy. I have been so anxious for 2 weeks. I haven't been able to sleep, my blood pressure (which has never been high) has been through the roof, I have heart palpitations and I've felt like a basket case.  Not trying to sugar coat anything here; instead, just giving you the facts. You can tell, I haven't been a super strong soldier.

Now that you know the back-story I must tell you the remarkable story of this past weekend.

On Friday night my sweet friend, Kara Walton (who is our vocalist intern at church) reserved tickets for Tom and me to go to the UNT Jazz Singer concert to hear her and the group perform. Friday after school I felt pretty tired and kind of sick to my stomach. Tom encouraged me to suck it up and go to the performance. He knew I'd love to see Kara sing and he knew that I love Jennifer Barnes and the Jazz Singers. Tom knew it would lift my spirits. It did.

After the concert we waited to say hi to Kara. She came and gave us a hug and we congratulated her on a wonderful performance. She gave me a little package and said her mother had made something special for me. Her mom couldn't make the concert and she wanted to express her gratitude to Tom and I for being Kara's Texas family. Kara's mom had hand sewn four beautiful little birds. There was one for spring, summer, fall and winter. They were precious. Kara also gave me a note from her mom.

We drove home after the concert and when I unloaded the car I grabbed the birds, but misplaced the note. I hadn't had a chance to read it.

I have one dear and close long time friend, Margaret Ashmore who is a cancer survivor. She's been through it all - chemo, radiation, t-cell transplant, etc. She's been on the cancer rollercoaster. On Sunday morning I couldn't get calmed down. I had been up most of the night. I sent her a text message and asked her to pray. I told her that I just couldn't get a handle on my anxiety. It was getting the best of me. She understood and promised to pray and talk with me later in the day.

The entire day Sunday was an emotional rollercoaster. On top of my anxious thoughts I had guilt for not being able to just give my anxiety to God and leave it there. I was not handling the waiting and not knowing well at all. I practiced deep breathing, sat quietly, went outside for fresh air. Really, nothing at all was working. Then I went to get some things out of the car and I found the note from Kara's mom. I read it. She explained her inspiration for making the birds for me. She also wrote out every lyric to the song, "His Eye is on the Sparrow". "Jesus is my portion, my constant friend is He, He eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me. I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free. His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me." Each little bird also had a bell sewn into it so that it sounds like the bird is singing when you shake it.

I cried my eyes out. I realized that God really was listening to my cries for help. He heard my prayer and He gave me the most amazing tangible reminder. After reading Kara's mom's notes about the birds my anxiety went away. For the first time in two weeks I could breathe without a tightness in my chest. I knew God was listening and He heard my cries. He had manifested our "agreement" in the sweetest way. Kara didn't know about my bird agreement. Neither did her mom. Crazy coincidence? I think not!

That night I decided to reach out on Facebook and ask people to pray. Over 300 people agreed to pray for me. My mom's church and her prayer group were remembering me in prayer. My McAnally family was praying for me. People at TBC were praying for me. Former students were praying for me. Tom's former students were praying for me. Musician friends were praying for me. Jordan and his friends in Austin were praying for me. Even a friend who lives in Korea was praying for me! It was an amazing and encouraging outpouring of love.

The results of the scan came in today. It was a CLEAN SCAN. The one lymph node that had been swollen...no cancer...it was clean. I will not have to have chemotherapy! If I can get through these next few weeks of radiation, that will be the extent of my treatment for this bout with the dreaded "C" word.

I am amazed at the goodness of God. He is the healer. That lymph node was swollen two weeks ago in the CatScan. Between that time and Monday's PetScan, it was healed. I give God the credit. The prayers of the Saints were heard. I am blessed beyond measure.

Since I can't hear birds singing in the radiation room I now take one of the little birds that Kara's mom made me into the room with me. I hold it during my treatment and jingle it a little to hear its song. It is a tangible reminder that God is in that radiation room with me. Sometimes I imagine the angel armies in the room as well. I know this for sure....God loves me. He loves you too. My little birds serve as a tangible reminder.

Thanks for the prayers my friends. You are an amazing army of prayer warriors and I am forever grateful. Your sincere prayers were answered in the most incredible, positive way.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Pam

Here we are on September 30, 2017. It has been ten days since my last blog. I have several friends who have asked me to give an update on what is going on with me and my health, so here goes.

Before I start, I want to say that my heck of a catch, funny, kind, handsome, talented and ever so tolerant of my crap husband is a jewel. He has a saying that he is kind of famous for in some circles..."It's all good".  You can dole out the biggest load of you know what on him and he will work through it and eventually kindly say, "it's all GOOD." It is because he has this spirit of faith. It is wonderful to live with. He really believes it is going to work out for our good. He believes "God's got this", and he lives like it. His attitude is ALL GOOD for me right now, because that is the spirit I need to be around! Thank you Tom.

On Tuesday of last week I had my appointment with my surgeon/oncologist to go over the findings after my surgery. Tom was sweet enough to go with me to support me. I was nervous as we walked into the doctor's office. The first thing that they do after calling you back into the examining area is take your blood pressure and record your weight. Tom noticed that right next to the scale where they weigh us female patients was a huge picture of a bunch of elephants. He pointed this out to me and the nurse and neither one of us could stop laughing. He suggested they find pictures of slim animals to display above the scale. GOOD point Tom. And thanks for the belly laugh at just the right moment.

The sweet nurse ushered us into an examining room. We had to wait there for about 20 or 25 minutes. There was an LED screen right beside us that kept changing images. All of the images were quotes about keeping a good attitude and trying to find the positives and humor in life. One screen suggested all kinds of different ways to find something to laugh about. There was a screen that debunked the "myths" about patients diagnosed with cancer. There was a big picture of delicious looking cookies. The screen explained that although diets with lots of sugar are not healthy and sugar shouldn't be over indulged in, eating a cookie will not cause your cancer to get worse. Not eating a cookie will not cause your cancer to get better. Good to know, since one well meaning lady told me in quite emphatic terms to stop eating sugar. "People with cancer should not eat sugar".  Thanks friend! Great. I've got cancer and I can't even have an occasional cookie. GOOD news about that being a myth. All of the messages that came across the screen were about "hanging in there."

As we waited we kept reading the screens and I finally said to Tom, I don't think it is going to be good news today. I told him, "I don't think they would have put us in the 'keep a stiff upper lip' room if it was good news." About the time I made this observation my surgeon/oncologist walked in. I really like this lady. She is brilliant. She did an amazing job on my surgery. I have had so little pain and today I feel better than I have felt in months. She has a no nonsense approach to everything she tells me, yet she remains positive and she is actually very funny. She has a dry wit which I love and somehow I have a lot of confidence in her. She has the kind of demeanor that gives you confidence in her and her brilliance and her ability and her experience. I like her. It is a GOOD thing that I really like her because she had some not great news to deliver.

So, she took some lymph nodes when she did the complete hysterectomy. Two came back with tumor cells. So, I have stage 3 cancer. NOT GOOD. I started to cry and have a little melt down. She kept saying, "you're stronger than you think you are". Tom kept rubbing my back as I had a little pity party.  Dr. Vasquez kept talking and I heard a lot of it, but my mind was kind of racing with the thought, "stage 3 cancer, DANG!" Tom listened intently to everything she said. It was GOOD that he did, because he helped me understand everything later after I had calmed down.

We had hoped the surgery would be the cure. The surgery was successful, the surgery was GOOD. I feel so much better after taking out all of those woman parts that I wasn't really using anymore anyway. They had served me well, but I was quite fine with saying goodbye to those parts that had gone bad. "I don't need you anymore, be gone!" So, the surgery really was quite GOOD. But, it wasn't the cure. It was mostly the cure, but this ain't horse shoes, so we have some more to do before this chapter is behind us.

As soon as I am completely healed from the surgery I will have 6 weeks of radiation. My brilliant doctor cared enough to take my case before a board of doctors and discuss the way to proceed. Apparently, I have stage 3 cancer, but the bad cells in the lymph nodes are truly very, very small....grade one.  Because of this, they all agreed radiation should do the trick.  I felt even more confidence in her direction to proceed in this way because she had talked to several other oncologists about my case. She cared that much. To my way of thinking radiation sounds GOOD in comparison to chemo. Chemo seems to be a terrible kick in the pants. I know that could be in my future; but, right now it doesn't look like that will be necessary. That is REALLY GOOD.

I have to confess I was a bit of a blubbering mess. I told her that I remember her telling me that only one percent of her patients with this type of case have cells in their lymph nodes. I said, "how could I be so unlucky?" She replied, "I have had to tell a patient today that they are dying. My dear, I'm giving you good news." See...don't you love her? She is so to the point. I deal with honest, direct, put me in my place if you need to truth tellers quite well. She changed my perspective immediately. That was GOOD. Thanks Doc!

We walked out of the doctor's office after coming up with the plan on how we are going to proceed. I like having a plan. We have a problem and we have a plan, created by educated, experienced, brilliant doctors who are much more intelligent and knowledgeable than me. That is very GOOD.

So, here is the deal. Tom always says, "It's all good." Tom gets that attitude from his belief in the scriptures. Specifically the one that says, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose." You can find that one in Romans chapter 8 verse 28. Now that is GOOD news.

Did you notice that in every detail of this story there has been something good?  I've got a fight ahead of me. "It's all good". I've got two parents who are praying for me all throughout the day. They have Bible study groups, and church groups and prayer groups that are also praying for me. "It's all good." I have these friends who text me, call me, do kind things for me like bringing meals, sending flowers, giving me a gift card to restaurant. These people have been a blessing to my soul at a time when I desperately needed it! "It's all good." I have a work family that checks in on me regularly. They tell me my students have missed me. They tell me they miss me! My boss might be the most understanding boss on the planet. "It's all good." I have a son who calls every day to check on me and to check my attitude. He tells me I'm strong and I can do this. Kinda cool that he thinks I'm strong. I need to be if he thinks I am. "It's all good." My church family has been praying for me, the elders prayed over me and did the anointing my head with oil deal.... a little messy, but a true blessing to my spirit and my soul. And then, there is Tom. My "it's all good" hero.

You need to know something. Tom was diagnosed with cancer one week after I was. His surgery will be coming soon. We are hoping it will happen later in October before my radiation begins. Lots of stuff to juggle these days.  I told my surgeon this news and she said, "you two are so weird...do you do EVERYTHING together?" And we said, "apparently so".  If we have to go through this, it is GOOD to have someone to walk through it with.

So, pray for us, ok? We are doing well. It was a beautiful day today. We led worship at a Kid's Hope training this morning and headed out to the church to get things prepared for worship at TBC tomorrow. We had brunch together afterwards and laughed and talked. We are blessed beyond measure to have each other. I am blessed to have breath in my lungs to breathe another day. I truly believe, like Tom does, that "God's got this." He uses all those brilliant doctors and nurses, kind techs and receptionists and radiologists and all those medical professionals to bring about healing.  I'm confident He will heal us both. And we both believe that whatever happens, it truly is, ALL GOOD.

Blessings to you all! I've inserted a song below that I recorded a few years ago. The message couldn't be truer in my heart than it is today. GOD is GOOD.

PAM



https://www.reverbnation.com/pamburchill/song/21234440-you-are-still-holy-written-by-rita

Today is September 20, 2017

On August 22nd I was diagnosed with cancer. What a surprise. I didn't see that coming! When you hear the C word, it does take you a few minutes to digest it. Lots of horrible thoughts come flooding into your mind. Then, after a little while you realize, "Oh, ok. This is something I have to walk through. Put your big girl panties on and get through it."

So, that is what I'm doing. I'm walking through unknown territory. I had surgery one week ago today. I am amazed that it went as well as it did and I feel as good as I do. I'm a fortunate person who has not been sick too much in my lifetime. Modern medicine is truly remarkable. My cancer was in my uterus, so I had a hysterectomy. It was done laparoscopically, which means my surgeon is skilled with robotic surgery! Because of this, my recovery time will be much shorter than it would have been had they cut through muscles, etc.  The pain has been minimal. In fact, I think I feel great and start doing things around the house and then I get dizzy and crash. So...I'm taking it easy and trying to follow doctor's orders.

My surgeon took out some lymph nodes and we are still waiting on the results from the pathology lab. The prayer is that the pathology report comes back completely clear with no cancer cells present. Then, the surgery will be the cure.

Do I have any pearls of wisdom as I walk through this unexpected journey? Nope. Absolutely none. In fact, I'm kinda sick of people who seem to think they have it all together and can give you all of life's answers tied up neatly in a few paragraphs. I don't intend to be part of that club.

I was pretty sure I had my year all planned.  I had worked on my lessons for the upcoming school year during the summer and had attended some cool training before school started and I was ready to go. I also had been offered a weekly duo gig with Tom. We love playing together so I was so excited about that. Both of these things have had to be put on "hold". I wasn't planning on that. I guess I don't really know what to expect now.

But, I know that I will walk through whatever is put in front of me. I will make it through because I have a Savior who holds me in His hand. God will see me through. He uses kind nurses at the hospital and helpful techs. He uses brilliant surgeons, oncologists, anesthesiologists. He uses prayerful friends who offer a word of support and maybe stop by to just say hi, send a bouquet of flowers or a thoughtful card or text or instant message.  He also uses loving folks who bring a meal to help out.

I know I am thankful for Tom, my husband. He has been a jewel. He is so helpful, so kind. He's a true, loyal, best friend and understanding, loving partner for sure. I'm thankful for the prayers of friends. I'm thankful for parents who call every day to say they are praying for me and cheering me on. I'm thankful for a son who will take a break from his busy life to drive up from Austin to hang with his mom for a couple days as she recuperates. I'm thankful for a boss and a workplace full of good people who have all been supportive and understanding. I also have friends at church who are praying for me as well.

I'm ready to get back to work. Ready for some good news (hopefully, clear pathology report). This has been a wake up call. We can't always count on having all the time we thought we would. So, I plan on changing some things. I plan on doing things I love and looking forward and moving forward with purpose. I plan on giving up past hurts and complaints and moving on. I plan on not wasting my time with people who don't care two cents for me. If the big C word does anything, it makes you stop and think and decide. I've decided to enjoy my days and live my life to the fullest that I possibly can.

One last thing....I'm tired of chicken. It seems that when people bring meals to sick people the "go-to" meal is something with chicken. Over it.

That is all. No big words of wisdom. Just a wish and a prayer that all will be well and that we will move forward finding  joy and happiness, meaning and purpose. May God bless you, who took the time to read this! It is well with my soul.  Pam

Racial Reconciliation

July 12, 2016

Can you believe the sad events of the last week? It has made me very anxious. I know there is a deep racial divide in our country and I don't know what to do about it. It hurts my heart that Philando Castile and Alton Sterling were shot by police in horrible, questionable circumstances and my angst about it separates me from people who don't feel the same.

I am also completely heart broken and almost dumb founded with the fact that a troubled, crazed, wicked gunman would ambush policeman who were simply serving and protecting a group that was peacefully protesting.  This is sadder than sad. Lorne Ahrens, Patirck Zamarripa, Michael Smith, Brent Thompson and Michael Krol were courageous, dedicated policemen and family men. They leave grieving wives and children behind and a grieving, shocked nation. I heard a great pastor say once that when you speak to someone who is expressing their feelings you must answer with feelings, and when you are speaking with someone giving you facts you answer with facts. Well, today I'm answering feelings with feelings because the wounds are too recent to do much more than just feel that pain.

When I hear racist comments it makes me cringe. Usually I'm pretty quick to speak against hateful comments, but sometimes I just retreat. I walk away and think how sad, how hateful, how ridiculous. But I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to change minds or hearts. I know that ultimately only God can change hearts and minds. But, God also created me to be unique and to be a vessel to be used for His glory. Knowing how to go about doing that is hard for me sometimes. I'm not a self assured type of person and I wonder if I can make a difference at all.

I am confident that I am part of a bigger story. So, since I really do believe this to be true, my little stories from my life experiences are part of that bigger story too. So today I'm going to share some stories of things that have happened in my life to show me that there truly is a racial divide, people are hateful to others because of the color of their skin and many people have a heart that is so hardened about this issue that they fail to see it exists or they just don't want to admit that it does.

 In 2001 I accepted a teaching position at O.D. Wyatt High School in Fort Worth, Texas. I was the assistant (mostly just the accompanist) to a brilliant choir director named Jewel Kelly. She had taught in the public schools as a choir director for over 40 years at that time. She was a great choral director and an inspirational individual. At that time O.D. Wyatt was primarily an African American school. I only remember 2 white students and 2 other white teachers besides myself.  I was definitely the minority at this job.

I learned so much about teaching choir from Ms. Kelly. She was a force of nature. My biggest education came from being in the African American culture.  I was definitely the outsider, but was treated very well; however, there was a level of distrust towards me. In my years of being a teacher I have always bonded quickly with my students. By the second or third day of a new school year there are students who seem to like me and want to come into my room to talk with me or hang out. It was not that way at Wyatt. I think it took about 6 weeks for any students to warm up to me. I remember one time making a sarcastic, what I thought was witty remark as I often do with my students and it was immediately misinterpreted, misunderstood and met with disdain. I was just making a joke! But I realize I had offended some students and they did not like that type of sarcasm coming from the only white lady in the room. I learned to weigh my words carefully because I obviously was not trusted enough to be sarcastic!

I was always in awe of the sounds Ms. Kelly could get from her choirs. She was able to get a beautiful choral blend and she cared for the details and nuance in the music. I felt more emotion from her groups than I have ever felt in any other musical setting. I've had plenty of directors or musician or singer friends talk about expressing the story in a song, but no one can get that out of singers like Jewel Kelly. She is amazing in that way. Because of this exceptional emotion and musical excellence her choirs are asked to perform all over the state and in other parts of the country as well! She has former choir members who would brag about her in the same glowing terms. One such former student is the extremely talented, grammy winning Kirk Franklin.

I'm going to share some true experiences that I have had so you can start to see how my opinion about racism and a great racial divide has been formed. Here we go...

Wyatt choirs have a beautiful Christmas carol repertoire and we were asked to perform at many places in the DFW area at Christmas time. I remember we were singing at a large Bank building in Dallas. The choir was doing a moving performance and hundreds of people gathered around to watch us. Compliments and applause and smiles were the norm at these events. When our performance ended the man who had booked our group came up to me and said, "thank you so much for bringing your choir to perform for us, here is your check for the performance." I immediately told him I was only the assistant, he needed to give the money to our director, Ms. Kelly. He said, "oh, ok, I just assumed you were the director.  I was the only white person in the group. Hmmmmm....

Then, on another occasion we were headed out of town at about 5AM in the morning. We were on our way to East Texas on a little mini-tour. Ms. Kelly had gone to the Admin building the night before to pick up the check for our per diem. Each child was to receive an allotted amount for meals each day that we were traveling. The Administration had given her one big check. The problem was that she had picked it up so late in the day she couldn't get to the bank the night before. Her plan was to cash the check at a bank in the town we were going to that day. We arrived in this small East Texas town about 9:00 AM. Ms. Kelly went to the bank to cash the FWISD check. They wouldn't cash it for her. I was waiting on the bus with the students. Ms. Kelly came out to the bus and said, "Mrs. Burchill, will you come in the bank with me, they aren't going to cash this check." Naive as I am, I had no idea how I could be any help. I simply went with her to the same teller window and just verified that we really were a group from FWISD that was touring the area on a choir tour. With my verification, they went ahead and cashed the check.  Hmmmmmm......

Another time we traveled to Austin to sing at the Capital. We stayed at a nice hotel. Ms. Kelly was very gracious that time and allowed me to bring my son along. He always enjoyed hearing the choir and sometimes Ms. Kelly let him sing with them if he could learn the song quickly enough to do so. On the day we were preparing to leave a lot of the kids stopped at the hotel gift shop to pick up souvenirs or snacks. When my son and I walked into the souvenir shop the lady behind the counter was going nuts. She was shouting, "one of the students stole a beanie baby, one of the students stole a beanie baby." I asked her if she was sure and she said she knew exactly the number of beanie babies that she had and she was positive. I wanted to calm the lady down. She was kind of over the top about the situation; so, I simply asked her how much the beanie baby cost. She told me. I paid for it. My son and I left the shop and started walking towards the bus. Ms. Kelly came up to me. She was furious with me. She scolded me in front of everyone for paying for that Beanie Baby. She asked me how much I paid and I told her and she gave me the money. She then got everyone on the bus and shouted at the children and told them we weren't leaving until the culprit confessed. He did. She got the Beanie baby and took it back to the lady in the souvenir shop. 

I realized I had greatly offended her. I was just trying to smooth things over with the upset woman in the shop, but what I had done was show that the white lady will take care of the evil thing the black child did. I was so confused. I knew that I was just trying to help, but I had greatly offended everyone.  Ms. Kelly was a proud woman and was trying her best to help teach these kids right from wrong. They were a very well behaved group. She use to say, "I don't want no silly choir".  She did not tolerate one of her students stealing. That child was punished and not allowed to go on any more choir trips the rest of that school year. 

In case you are reading this and thinking, "see the black children are stealing things". Please put that out of your head. I remember once not too many years ago taking an all white choir on a trip to UIL and on the way home a very wealthy, privileged child stole a magazine. When I was informed of this by another student we called her out in front of all the kids on the bus. My husband was along as a chaperone. He accompanied the girl back in the gas station and made her apologize to the cashier and give the magazine back. I think I would have been "Ms. Kelly mad" if one of the adults on the trip had paid for the magazine. 

My husband directed a jazz band for years that had many African American students in it. There were also white and hispanic kids in the band. The music was a great unifier. He loved his students and invested in them musically and relationally. They taught him as much as he taught them!  One Saturday his small group jazz combo had traveled together to play in a small town in Texas. This small group happened to be an all black group. They had been invited to play for an event on the town square. Their performance was well received. It was lunch time when the group finished playing so my husband offered to buy everyone lunch at a local cafe on the square. 

They were dressed very nicely in suits for the performance so they looked like a very dashing group! They entered the cafe and sat at a table. They waited and waited and waited and waited.  They waited some more. They watched other patrons being waited on by servers. No one ever came to their table. My husband was furious and wanted to make a big deal about it. He wanted to talk with the cafe owner or someone who was in charge. His students just said,  "Tom, let's just go. This isn't the first time this has happened and it won't be the last." They left and went to have lunch somewhere else. Tom was shocked. He had no idea. We had no idea that kind of thing still happened.

I think a lot of us have no idea.

Slavery ended just a little over 150 years ago. That is 7 generations. Seven generations ago there were Americans who claimed Black people were less than human. They were property. They were ripped of their heritage, their dignity, their freedom and stolen from their families, their homes, their way of life. They were forced to adapt to a new place and find ways to survive in the worst of human conditions. They helped to build our country, but have struggled to figure out their place in the country.  Even with an African American president racial inequality still exists. I think in some way they are a people who suffer from generational post traumatic stress. Slavery is a great evil. Can you imagine the stories past down from generation to generation? 

As with every problem on the planet. I believe God is the answer. The church is the hand of God in our world. Jesus calls us to be salt and light in a dark and hateful, even wicked world.  The church needs to stand up and say, "we want racial reconciliation because God wants racial reconciliation". I believe we will be worshiping in heaven one day with every tribe, every nation, every tongue. I believe it because that is what the Bible teaches. That is also what I feel in my heart. I think this is a feeling that is from the Lord.

Here is a convicting quote from Martin Luther King's letter from a Birmingham jail. 

"But the judgment of God is on the church as never before. If today's church does not recapture the sacrificial spirit of the early church it will lose its authenticity, forfeit the loyalty of millions and be dismissed as an irrelevant social club with no meaning for the twentieth century".

We are in the 21st century now and I believe a call to sacrificial living and authenticity has been crying out for years and years. I am convicted. I am personally on my knees trying to figure out how I can make a difference.  How can I stand for Christ honoring love and compassion every day and draw people to God's love which never looks at outward appearance, but sees right through to the heart.

These are just my thoughts on the Tuesday after a most sad and upsetting week in America.

God bless you as you struggle to find your way through this time too. 

Soli deo gloria

PAM

Christian Dreams

It is a fact of life that everyone has dreams. I remember us twenty somethings back in graduate school talking amongst our music major selves about our goals and dreams. Many wanted to have recording careers, be the next big artist, write the next big hit, be admired for their musical expertise and talent, climb the success ladder and have a exciting, happy life. Most of us had big, grandiose visions of what the future would hold. Some of my friends actually do have recording careers, have won grammy awards and they tour with famous artists and are "living the dream" so to speak. Sometimes plans and dreams work out. And sometimes they don't. But most often some dreams come true while others fade away with time, or perhaps they are just put on hold for years.

Not one of my friends planned for their wife to die of cancer before their children graduated high school or to have a child who was born with birth defects and difficult health issues. No one planned to get that phone call late at night that their wife fell asleep at the wheel driving home from a gig and was instantly killed. No one planned to spend years doing a job they didn't really care for just because they needed to pay the bills. No one planned for their husband to be diagnosed with cancer a couple years after their wedding and for his once strong and healthy young body to be attacked by cancer until he died leaving two young children missing their father and being raised by a broken-hearted single mom. No one planned to come home to a wife who had fallen in the back yard and is left with an irreversible spinal cord injury. No one planned to have a failed marriage, to develop an alcohol or drug problem, to go into bankruptcy or to never find that special person to spend their life with. Yet these are the stories of many of those friends who dreamed of success, happiness, fame and prosperity.

Things don't always turn out like we plan. I guess most of us know this, but somehow we fight it. We try to control our life. We think that if we got opportunity A, that the next logical step has to be opportunity B followed by opportunity C. When the trajectory of our dreams take us in a diverted direction we wonder if our prayers were ever heard by God. Then we ask, "does He care about me at all?"

I have one young twenty something friend who recently got to sing with the Rolling Stones. She was part of a small choir from her University that got to sing on two numbers at the huge Dallas Cowboys stadium in front of thousands of adoring fans. It was a fun, fantastic experience for her. It was her first "rock" job. Now, for her to think that the next step in her career will be upwards from that venue and that band and those thousands of fans would be ludicrous. She may indeed get opportunities like that in the future, but she'll have to work for them. And the probability of that happening soon is not great.

But don't we do this? We get it in our head that we have accomplished such and such so we deserve the next big step. We have the degree. We have the money.  We have the dream. We have the talent. We have the desire.  Wasn't it God who placed that desire and that dream in our heart?  Why isn't He bringing it to pass? Why have our dreams been diverted and perhaps even crushed?

We feel that our dreams are our purpose. I think this is a mistake. It is an Americanized version of Christianity. Even believers who don't buy into the Prosperity gospel, still live it out in their hearts. They wonder why God denies them the things they want. They really want a giant genie who grants wishes. Now, their wishes are very noble because they don't want to be an ordinary rock star...they want to be a CHRISTIAN rock star....they don't want to be a famous speaker, they want to be a famous CHRISTIAN speaker....they want to be a CHRISTIAN author, so shouldn't God bless that dream?  Americanized Christianity.

God has a bigger purpose than the size of our bank accounts, the admiration of adoring CHRISTIAN "Fans", or our climb up the ladder of success or power in the church. I don't believe what job we have is as important as the knowledge that God has sovereignly placed us there for that particular moment in time. Our purpose is to make Christ known and make His name great. I am a music teacher and musician. You might be a politician, or a businessman, you might be in agriculture or technology or construction. You might be an artist or a writer or a teacher.  Where you are is important because God lives in you and His spirit flows through you. He has a purpose in the ordinary days. He wants to express the love and joy of Christ in you where you are TODAY. He is not waiting to express Christ's life through you until every little part of your plan has lined up in a perfect row of success after success. That is AMERICANIZED Christianity. God has a purpose in the work you have to do TODAY. He has a purpose in the pain you have endured or are enduring TODAY.

I think God does give us dreams. I believe we should work hard towards those dreams and goals. But along the way, if you are diverted from the trajectory of the plan you had for how your dreams will be realized, I want you to follow Matt Chandler's advice.

"Instead of thinking "I need to find my life's purpose in my work", think..."I need to bring God's purpose to this work."  

So if you don't like your job, that is not the point. The point is... are you being Christ to the people around you on a daily basis? Are you shining His glory for all to see?

Believing friend, He knows the past and the future. He knows every thought you've ever had. He knows the dreams that you have and your angst about them not coming true. But His ways are higher, His ways are always good and He longs to see HIS purposes and HIS dreams for you accomplished in your life. You should be concerned about what people think about JESUS because of what they see in you....not what they think about YOU.

It is not easy in this culture, but please stop trying to control everything.  HE is in control and His will will be done. Make that the desire of your heart.

The struggle is real, I know. Been there. Done that. But, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." This promise includes laying your dreams at His feet.

Let's pray for each other as we strive to glorify Him no matter our circumstances! Then, maybe HIS dreams will be our dreams.

Our Father is Younger Than We.

Today I just wanted to share a really cool quote by G.W. Chesterton read by Matt Chandler in one of his recent sermons. It gave me a fresh perspective  and also gave me pause, so I wanted to pass that along. I'd love to know what you think. Here it is:

"Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "do it again"; and the grown up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown up people are not strong enough to 

exult in monotony. 

But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning; "Do it again' to the sun; and every evening, 'Do it again' to them moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike, it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them.

It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy, for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we." - G.W. Chesterton

I love this. I love to think of God has having a spirit that is fierce and free. I would love to be able to exult in monotony because so much of life is monotonous. I get up everyday and go to the same job that I went to the day before. Wouldn't it be cool if we had the attitude when we arose in the morning...."Do it again, God" and we were excited about the monotonous day ahead? I'm thinking we would see the beauty and the detail in each day and the beauty of the people that we encounter regularly. I really do want a spirit abounding in vitality and a spirit that is fierce and free.  Instead of growing old and bitter may I have a little of God's eternal appetite of infancy. For yes, our Father is indeed younger than we.

Have a glorious, monotonous day!
PAM