Back in the Blogging Saddle Again

Birthdays, Aging and the Blessing of Music

Happy Birthday to me! I’m in a new decade now and I remember being a teenager thinking that my current age is SO OLD! Now that I am here it doesn’t seem that old at all. 

I still have a lot of the same teenager dreams I’d like to achieve. However, as Joni Mitchell so brilliantly stated, “they’ve lost a little grandeur coming true”. I have to fit my writing and practicing in between my teaching job, lesson plans and grading papers. The key is to still fit it in. I also take more naps now and I had an appointment with my oncologist to “celebrate” my birthday.  She even gave me a present…two bottles of yuck that I have to drink before a scan.  Actually, it is a celebration because I’m a surviver!  

I’ve put on weight, and have a few more wrinkles. I’d have grey hair but there is this wonderful thing called hair color that I believe in and highly recommend. Also, my hair stylist, Priscilla, is almost as good as a therapist. And the weight thing…well, I can do something about that and thanks to Jennifer Barnes and Optavia I’m beginning a journey to conquer that controllable problem. Ooh! That is another thing about getting older, you learn to concentrate on the things you can control instead of worry about the things you can’t. At least most days.  Here is a pic of me in this new decade. There are some wrinkles. Can I call them wisdom lines?

On this anniversary of the day of my birth I can honestly say, the spirit of that teenage girl is alive and well within me. The spirit is a little wiser, much feistier, a lot less gullible and more aware of people not always being everything they pretend to be. I’ve been “burned” a time or two. But beautiful things are forged in a fire. 

I am also more sure than ever of God’s love and grace. After living all these years I know that I don’t have all the answers to all the things. I am now skeptical of anyone who says they do. There is a LOT of mystery to the Christian faith and I embrace the mystery and thank God for the love and mercy and kindness He has shown me throughout my life. God loves me. I will never understand it, so why pretend I do? I just accept the love and I really want to share that love with those I meet on a daily basis. I think I’m becoming more concerned about the actions and the doing of the “spreading love thing” than I am about the talking/preaching about it. “Actions speak louder than words” is an old cliche’ for a reason. Sometimes actions SCREAM at you. Maya Angelou said “people will show you who they are, believe them.” Wise words! I was a little late learning that.

Aging is something that will happen to everyone unless it doesn’t. Which would mean tragedy for you and your loved ones. So, embrace the aging and dare I say, embrace the aged! There is this weird thing out on the world wide “interweb” and in the “twitterverse” Christian book world and facebook world that says boomers and millennials don’t like each other. I don’t get it. I think people who don’t really know other people in different generations say those kinds of things. If you are a boomer who doesn’t take time to get to know some twenty somethings, or a millennial who doesn’t have time for a boomer, then you are part of that crazy internet problem and you are truly missing out. I can honestly say that some of my sweetest friends right now are in their twenties or early thirties. These young people came to our aid when we needed friends this summer. Jordan, Kaela, Ben and Mike put actions to their words to help Tom and I  in our time of need. Anna M. and Catie and Kara have been supportive friends who check in with me regularly and care about and pray for me. These are all millennials who have blessed my socks off. I KNOW there are things they probably don’t understand about me, but mostly we really like each other. I know I really like them. We laugh and talk and we love music, friends, family and God and we are all sure that life is a mystery and it is hard to figure everything out. I don’t feel a generation gap. Sorry “all wise internet”. 

So if you have a problem with someone because of their age. Too old? Too young? Wow. I’m so sorry for you. You are missing out on A LOT!

The last thing I wanted to mention in my happy birthday to me blog is MUSIC. Music has been a wonderful thing in our life. Tom and I have talked about the way the musical community in the DFW area supports one another when there is tragedy or times of need or sadness. It is kind of crazy. There is a community there that has been forged through studying music together in college, playing artistic gigs that no one but the band cares about, or playing corporate type gigs together for crazy clients, or having those moments of musical nirvana when everything just seems to sound and feel right, or those moments when the gig was so weird or bad that you laugh about it and tell the stories for decades. There is a musical community and I’m so thankful to be a part of it. So I’ve created this corny acrostic to end my birthday blog.

M - Medicine… It heals your heart, brings back memories, causes you to have a cry, pumps you up for the next leg of the                                               journey, focuses your attention on God, love or better days ahead

U - Universal…        It is for everyone everywhere. It brings people together. You can play tunes with someone who doesn’t even speak the same language you do and together create something beautiful.

S -  Support…         As I mentioned earlier, musicians have experienced disrespect. How many of you go to your day job and have people heckle you at your desk? As you do your work, they say, “I don’t like that… do this instead”or “Don’t talk so loud on the phone.” Or the best one, “this job will be good exposure for you, we can’t pay you for it though”. Musicians have dealt with disrespect, so as a general rule, we try to respect one another and lend our support when one of our community is being taken advantage of or treated badly. 

I -  Inspiration… Hans Christian Anderson said, “where words fail, music speaks”. Music has been a way for me to express my love for God and my worship. Music has been a way for me to show kids a new way of thinking about life and history. After great tragedies composers go crazy writing songs because it is the way we can inspire and give hope to a hurting world.

C - Ceaseless… It continues to speak to every generation. Every generation seems to create its own music and musical forms. It gives us a lens in which to look at people from other times and other places. And even though we don’t know very much about what Heaven will be like, we KNOW (because the Bible tells us so) that it will be filled with MUSIC.

So, I’m back to my blog now after a long break. I’m glad to be back.

Happy Birthday to me.  

SOLI DEO GLORIA (Bach wrote this on all his compositions and it means Glory to God alone.)

Pam

Unexpected Summer

For a teacher the anticipation of summer is kind of hard to explain. I mean, we love our students, our profession, our purpose and our passion, but come May we are a bit exhausted to say the least! As I just read what I wrote, I realize that I should make this more personal. By the end of May, no matter how all the other teachers in the world feel, I am a tired, frazzled basket case!

This year ended on such a positive note. My students performed our end of year musical (Mary Poppins, Jr) without a hitch. They were a pleasure to work with and that talented bunch of kiddos blessed my socks off. Here is a picture of that sweet and talented group. I'm holding the superior trophy we earned at the contest we attended. And yes, I'm shamelessly bragging because they were actually that good! (I'm the non-costumed old lady in the middle.)

However, after a year of balancing work while Tom and I each waged our cancer battles, I was ready for the summer break.  Tom's radiation treatments ended one week into summer break. Now I'm ready for fun! In my mind it was to be the summer of my dreams. Oh, how I had plans! Tom and I would be celebrating our 40th anniversary. (What fantastic trip would we take?) I had been so tired during the year due to operations and radiation treatments and the stress of cancer, that my gym visits and Ella walks were practically non existent. I vowed that I would be walking Ella every day and I would re-discover all my favorite gym equipment. And the house, oh it was going to get organized. I had just the book to help me.... I couldn't wait to use Melissa Michael's fantastic tips!

So, that first week I started to clean. I worked pretty hard in the house moving boxes, cleaning closets and bending and squatting and lifting and toting.  I wanted to get this part of the summer plan out of the way so that all my vacation plans and fantastic dreams could be made reality. I also did grocery shopping because I had plans of becoming that excellent at home wife who cooks beautiful, inviting and yummy healthy meals every evening of the summer. On this one particular Thursday I worked pretty much non stop. That evening, Tom had a playing job in Flower Mound with his Latin band, Brasuka. They were playing at an outdoor concert. I was looking forward to going to the concert and having a wonderful evening of listening to music and visiting friends. Here is a shot from my vantage point that evening....

You might be thinking, "that is a lousy picture, wonder why she didn't get in front of the band stand so she could get a shot of the whole group?"

Well, let me tell you...this is where the story gets interesting!  When we pulled up to the loading area for Tom to get his equipment out, I went to get out of the car and my left knee was in such pain that I couldn't walk! I literally couldn't walk. It was painful every step of the way. In 90 degree heat I couldn't just sit in the car and wait 3 hours, so Tom helped me drag myself to a table that was close to the car where I could still see the band. I sat there and listened and propped my leg up, hoping that would help. Several of our friends were at the show and came over to ask me to join them. I know I seemed rude when I declined to go and join them but they didn't know that I couldn't move without excruciating pain! So, I sat there alone at my little table, listening to the music with my fingers crossed that all would be well when I got up. At the end of the evening I did get up and it was worse! Tom practically had to drag me to the car. I cried the whole way.  That was June 14th. One and a half weeks into my "perfect" summer.

I slept on the couch that night because our bedrooms are upstairs. Tom got up early and purchased a cane for me so that I could get around and we headed to the doctor's office. They told me to stay off the leg and ice it and get a heating pad. Tom got crutches for me and I spent two weeks pretty much just laying around with my leg elevated on that couch. My condition improved enough that I could walk with the cane. 

We even took a short trip to Austin to visit Jordan for our 40th anniversary trip. I had my crutches and my cane with me. On bad days I used the crutches, on better days I used the cane. I was able to go to one venue that had curbside valet service and an elevator so that I got to hear Jordan on our anniversary. We had a lovely meal and enjoyed watching him play.

We stayed in a motel that is in close proximity to Jordan's playing venues. Tom would go watch

 Jordan play while I lay on the motel bed with my leg elevated. We also were able to go on a boat out on the lake. The only issue was climbing aboard, but Tom helped me and once onboard I had a marvelous time...SITTING and enjoying the ride on the lake. It was a beautiful day.

I also was able to hobble over to our favorite Austin Book store...BOOK PEOPLE. Check it out when you go to Austin because it is the best! Tom and I both bought a book and he also bought me this beautiful wall hanging art piece. (Blog readers will know the significance of the birds.) Tom is the sweetest. 

When we got back home it was clear that my situation wasn't getting any better. An MRI was ordered and it was revealed that I have a torn meniscus. No wonder I've been in pain! So, Tuesday I have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon, and hopefully I will have surgery very soon to repair this knee. Part of me wishes I could repair the summer; however, another part of me knows that what I had planned was not what God had planned. He knows best.

This past year, Tom and I have been through something really hard. We both have this weird thing that we've learned to do over the years which is ... JUST DO THE NEXT THING. We don't really stop and complain and whine. Oh, I've had my Eeyore days, but, mostly, we've just gotten up each morning and we've done what we were expected to do that day. The task at hand has been a saving grace in many ways. Whatever was in front of us we just faced it. We continued with our daily routines and our jobs on every single day that we could. We went to every treatment and appointment just as each of our doctor's ordered. Sometimes we had to take a day off to rest, but for the most part we have soldiered on. I think God was YELLING at us through the pain in my knee and a torn meniscus to just rest. To just be. To stop with the plans and stop with the big summer expectations. Just sit in the quiet and contemplate all that God has brought us through this year in many little, yet often miraculous ways. 

So, while I thought this was going to be an extremely active summer of trips, visits to cities we love and car rides to see family and friends,  it has turned into the most laid back summer I can remember. And I have re-discovered the joy of reading. So, while I had planned trips and visits and parties, God planned that I would listen to wise counsel and joyous stories and godly advice from wonderful "voices" who have written books.  They have been my summer friends. Here are the books I've read so far this summer. They have been balm for my soul.

Both your husband and you are diagnosed with cancer in the same week.
You think that triggers a little anxiety?
What an understatement.
I NEEDED this book.  Thank you Max Lucado for every beautiful word you write.  A favorite quote from the book, "Life gives lemons to good people, bad people, old people, all people. Life comes with lemons. But we don't have to suck on them."  Also, "you may be facing the perfect storm, but Jesus offers the perfect peace." Thank you Max Lucado. I love your books and the stories you share with us.

This is a great perspective changing book. Don't take yourself so seriously.  Small things.  This is the way to big things happening in a life.  If one is faithful in the small things, one will look back and see that
"you've really had a wonderful life". And some of the things that bother us and put us in a "mood", well they aren't worth the bother. Just get over it.

Alright, girlfriends, Jen Hatmaker is just awesome. I love her wit. I love her long winded wordiness. Also, I love Aunt Carol's salad, which she claims is a cure for the doldrums. I don't know about that, but the salad is my new favorite to make at home. She throws in a delicious recipe or two and tells great stories of her crazy family, their life and their ministries. She makes me laugh and she makes me think. These are two great traits in an author and a friend.
Jen, would you be my best friend? 

I'm not quite done with this one, but I love it. If you are wondering why you're here.  If you have ever wondered,  'what the heck am I good at?' This is a great book for you. Max guides you through how to discover your sweet spot. Once you do, you can know that God wants to use that passion for your good and His glory. Love this book!

I taught Bible Studies at my church for years and one of my favorite, quirky authors of some of the most interesting studies was Margaret Feinberg. This is her story of her cancer battle. She was determined to fight cancer with God given joy. This was a great encouragement to me. I could identify with so much of what she endured. I recommend reading anything by Margaret Feinberg! I also love her because she is a Christian who is proud of her beloved Jewish family and background. 

I love this book. I love the author. I want her to be my other best friend. Since my summer plans were not what I expected, this was a perfect read for me. It really helped me. There is a chapter about friends who have betrayed you that was so good. It felt like she knew my story. Lots of deep wisdom from a treasure of a modern female Christian leader.
Highly recommend ANYTHING by Christine Caine.

A must read people. Louie Giglio never stops challenging me to let God fight my battles.

 And I just want to thank my friend, Janie Davis for inviting me to join her book club. This was the book we read in that club and I loved hearing everyone's perspectives and insights gleaned from Louie Giglio's writing. Wish I could share all of that with you all too. Just get the book. It is a great read.

Great books to help you look at and evaluate and improve your own attitude about your work. Very helpful.

So, this is how I've spent my summer....with Max and Margaret, Christine and Louie, Mr. Acuff and Jen and Melanie. I could have watched Hallmark movies as I sat on the couch with my leg elevated. I'm glad I figured out that they all have the same plot and ending! Although don't get me wrong girlfriend, Hallmark movies are the bomb no matter what your husband says about the bad acting and predictable story lines. Don't listen to him. He watches murder mysteries and sports and in my case, guitar podcasts about melodic triads or something like that.  How can he possibly criticize the occasional Hallmark movie? Next week is Christmas in July. I better find a new book to read or I might get "caught". 

I'm glad that I've chosen to read.  My perspective has changed on a few things and my horizons have been broadened. I've laughed and cried with these authors and I am better for it. I imagine I'll read a few more in the weeks to come.  Oh yeah, I better confess that I have also spent a few hours watching Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (the new season is out so check it out for lots of laughs!).

School will start in a few weeks. I will be rested. I won't have big stories to tell about my exciting summer trips, but I will have one romantic comedy that I can share about that involves a boy named Tom and a girl name Pam who met she was 14 and he was 16 in Home Economics class ( yeah, that use to be an actual class). These two have faced the good and the bad together and have done that for 40 years. They have this amazing son who has an amazing girlfriend and they love them. They also love playing music. She loves to hear him at all his gigs and she also loves to occasionally be fortunate enough to get to play with him. He's been by her side through cancer diagnoses and treatments, through torn meniscus hobbling around  and through her Eeyore days. She is blessed beyond measure.

40 years together....hope there are many more ahead!

God knew what we needed this summer. Time with Him, time with each other and a lesson in resting and listening and broadening our perspective though other voices and growing our faith. These are good things.

I'm also really thankful that I can SIT at the piano and play and sing to my heart's content. I can also sit at my computer and write! Torn meniscus does not deter those things that are my "sweet spot". 

Friends, find time to put your feet up and enjoy a good book this summer. Sit and talk with your sweetheart. Sit in a favorite chair and dub it your "prayer chair" and spend a little time talking to the One who knows everything about You and loves you just as you are...not some future version of you. Thank you God for an UNEXPECTED summer.

Soli Deo Gloria

PAM

SEASONS

This year has been a rough one for Tom and me. Both of us getting diagnosed with cancer in the same week back in August was surprising and terrifying. A new world of which we have never been a part, suddenly became a part of our lives. It is a world that includes doctors, oncologists, radiologists, nurses, treatments, check ups, Pet scans, CT scans, MRIs, tests, waiting on results, (total stress), sticking, pricking and prodding. And the bills. Yeah, there is that too. We’ve always been healthy. In fact, every nurse has remarked to me, (imagine a surprised, amazed voice) “You mean you’re not on ANY medications?” Nope! This is my first experience with serious illness. And of course, everyone from the doctors to the radiologists to the nurses to the techs have said, “you and your husband do everything together, don’t you?” Yeah, apparently so. Though I must admit, that joke is getting a little old. We are going through this SEASON together. And that is turning out to be a blessing. We can truly empathize with each other through every procedure, the nauseousness, the aches and pains and weird side effects.

It has all been scary; however, from the beginning I have never really asked God, “why?”. I trust God. I’ve trusted Him since I was 7 years old and He has truly never let me down, so somehow from the very start of this journey I knew He wouldn’t let me or Tom down this time either. I’ve been puzzled and maybe a little mad a few times because, you see our journey is ongoing so that means there are good days and bad days. Some days I’m just completely weary of even thinking about it all. That is when I have to remind myself of our agreement from the first day that we joined this sucky club that we didn’t want to belong to! Here is what Tom and and I (and God) agreed to do…

We determined from the very beginning that we were going to take all of this one step at a time and one day at a time. As the old saying goes, “You eat an elephant one bite at a time.”  You also write a book one word at a time, direct a play one scene at a time and write a song one note at a time. We are taking care of what we need to take care of one day at a time. Sometimes we just think of difficult things minute by minute or moment by moment. If there is a procedure to endure we get up that morning and go get’r done. Then, when it is over we go on to the next thing. God seems to give us enough strength for the “next thing”.

We also determined that we would live our lives during this season in as normal a way as possible. We are both thankful for jobs that bring us some fulfillment and that are very much God’s gracious provision for us. These jobs bring a purpose that helps us to focus on what we are responsible for next. We concentrate on the people we are serving or teaching, the music we are making and what God has called us to do for that day. Work is a blessing and a ministry. This definitely takes our minds off of all the “what ifs”. 

We have become much more present in each day, not lost in thinking about times past or dwelling on bad stuff that happened before. I recently heard John Maxwell say that it is important not to feel that you are “going through” something, but instead you are “going TO” something. I like that. Don’t you? We are going TO the day we are completely well again. We are going TO the future that God has prepared for us. There is a new SEASON coming. Yep, even us people who have lived over 5 decades are here to be used by God in our future. Believe it or not, younger folk, people our age also have dreams. We have plans.  Funny story…you have to sign all of this paper work when you go to these cancer doctors. One of the papers is a legal document about resuscitating you if need be. They asked us, do you want to be resuscitated? I was like, “well, duh, heck yeah lady…we’ve got things to do.” And we do! Because you see, this SEASON won’t last forever. We are going TO something new that God will do in us and through us. We have plans and dreams and God has plans and guess what? We are part of them. 

We both know that we have gained a different perspective through this season. Some of that old stuff that use to really bug me seems awfully unimportant now. I see other people struggling with feeling insignificant (you can just tell it in their conversations and demeanor). I’d like to pull them aside and say, “Chill out. It’s all good. God is at work in your life and He is doing something you cannot possibly understand yet. Just be you and do you. That is what He created you to be. Be ok with that. Don’t worry about what others think of you. Don’t worry about what others are doing or accomplishing. Don’t envy them. Just do what you have to do today to the best of your ability through the grace and mercy of our Savior. You’ll get where He wants you to go if you do that. And that is what matters. What HE has planned. If you really do trust Him, what HE wants will be what YOU want too.  And if something YOU want is something HE doesn’t want, you shouldn’t want it anyway. So don’t use all kinds of weird schemes and plans to try to get what you want. If God says, “no” to something, that is a GOOD thing. He knows best my friend! He knows your beginning and your middle and your end. So trust HIM even in the “no's” Don’t worry, if my life is any indication, He’ll work that out of you too.” As my dear husband is famous for saying, “It’s all good.” I’d add to that, it’s all good because God is all good.

I’ve learned that there will always be that person who NEVER says a kind word to you, or about you even when you’ve done an obvious good job at work or you’ve done something for them or helped them or served them in some way. Don’t worry about that. It says much more about THEM than it says about you. If they can’t bring themselves to say, ‘good job’. I feel sorry for them. Because in lifting others up you are lifted up. Truly. Being an encourager does wonders for your soul. I’m good with that. I know that God sees our work, but more importantly, He sees our hearts. I sleep well at night knowing that. He sees Tom and me and you too. And He loves us unconditionally and totally. But can I give you a piece of advice? Encourage the people around you because you don’t know what kind of lives of quiet desperation those people are truly living. Also, it is very rewarding to reward others, praise others and lift them up. If you haven’t tried it, please do. You can thank me later.

Seasons seem to part of God’s plan for all of us. I’ve thought recently about seasons in friendships. I’ve had two very dear friends in my life who I truly thought were “best” friends. After a while however, these friends pulled away from me and obviously weren’t that interested in the friendship anymore. They have been tacky and kinda rude to me actually. Come on, I know you’ll agree with me that one knows when one is on the receiving end of the passive aggressive comments, the little insults and digs. It’s exhausting, truly. With these friends, the feeling of “besties” obviously wasn’t mutual. For a long while this really hurt me. I was certainly embarrassed by it. I thought there was something wrong with me. I felt very much that I was unlikable because of how these friendships turned out. I worried WAY TOO MUCH about this. My “friend radar” was obviously not working properly. It really wasn’t. But, now I’m seeing that there are seasons in some friendships too. Many of us are blessed to have one or two friends that last a lifetime, but often, friendship is seasonal. It is during a time when your paths cross a lot, you work together at the same place or maybe you’re working on the same project for a season. 

Sometimes I think people just need you for a season and then once you’ve done all you can for them, and they don’t see how you can do anything else for them, they move on. Perhaps they find it hard to be around you because you have things going on in your life that make them jealous or maybe it is just that you have things in your life they don’t understand at all or don’t identify with. They aren’t the type of friends who “rejoice with you when you’re rejoicing”, or “mourn with you when your mourning.” That is ok. I’ve finally come to realize that they are just doing the best that they can at their point on their life journey. Cancer has made me see that life is so short and to waste time trying to get answers about these types of relationships is futile. I’ll just do me. They will figure out their stuff, just like I will figure out mine. Honestly, I’m not going to let those kinds of ‘friends’ steal my joy or keep me from shining the light God means for me to shine. I approach them now with forgiveness and grace. I have a mantra of sorts, “walk in forgiveness, walk in grace.” Honestly, I might approach them with a little caution as well. (once burned and all). And that is ok. Cancer has taught me not to worry about THAT! My goodness there are all the other things!

In this season I am clinging to those friends who are warrior friends. They stand arm and arm with me in the battle. When it comes to fighting a battle I want someone who will lock arms with me and stand side by side together to face the foe. No arrows in the back. Just determined faithful friendship ready to fight the good fight right alongside me. What a blessing those friends have been. I have a few of them. Cancer has shown me who my “pray you through it, cry with you through it, stand by you through it, be there for you” friends are. That is another blessing of this ‘battle with cancer’ season.

There are some very personal, important parts of our lives that have been taken away from us for this season. That is one of the saddest parts of this journey. But, even with that, we just make adjustments. That is what you do when you love someone with a forever kind of love. This is where I want to get really serious with people wondering about marriage and such. Make sure the person you marry is your very, very best friend. Make sure you can laugh together uproariously over good things and bad things. Find the humor in the crazy stuff that happens on a daily basis. 

I can give you an example from a few weeks ago. I had just arrived home from work. Tom walked in the door a few minutes after. We found ourselves talking about cancer and treatments and health issues. I was feeling low and kinda bummed. Tom could sense this so he looked at me and said, “I’m going to take you out for supper. You can pick your favorite restaurant. But, we are going to make a deal. We are not going to talk about cancer.” I said, “Sounds like a great idea. No cancer talk at all. We are just going to talk about music, what we’re learning from God right now and our work issues and Jordan and all the things.”  We did a fist bump to seal the deal. Then we walked out the door and walked to our car. When we get in the car Tom turns the radio on and the very first thing we hear is an ad for prostate cancer treatments. Long pause. Stare silently at one another. A few seconds pass. We break into a hilarious fit of laughter. It just seemed crazy funny to both of us at the same time. No cancer talk you say?  The universe says, “I don’t think so!” TOO funny. THAT is what you need when you’re going through something like this. Someone who “gets it”.   

I’m also going back to weight watchers since my radiation treatments are done and I’m starting to feel normal. Normal meaning I feel pretty darn good and I know I need to lose more than just a few. This is definitely my normal. It is time to get healthy in every way! I was at a meeting recently and the leader asked, “So, when you go out to a restaurant and you choose well and eat on program and count your points, how does that make you feel?” One of my fellow weight watcher members shouted out without missing a beat, “hungry”. I laughed so hard. (btw, that gal could be my “bestie” with that attitude and quick wit). When I told Tom about that little weight watcher exchange he immediately “got it” and laughed with me. He understands this is a battle I have to fight; however, I need to be able to laugh about it and keep it positive and upbeat. Beating me up about something I already beat myself up about won’t help me at all.  Yeah, it is important to have a spouse like that. Someone who “gets you” and laughs along with you in your struggles. The scripture says that laughter is good medicine and it certainly has been for us.

Find someone who isn’t going to blow up at you because you left a mess on the bedroom floor or forgot to put the toilet seat down. Those things do not matter in the long run. Don’t stress about that kind of stuff. When you are completely physically exhausted from 7 weeks of radiation treatments sometimes it is just too hard to pick those clothes up off the floor. (just ask Tom…and I have a lot of clothes! ) Life is way too short. If you are stressing over that kind of stuff, get over it. There is so much joy on the other side. Really. Chill. It will all be ok. 

BETH//JAMES 

(Kaela and Jordan)

BRASUKA!

I’m coming to the end of my rant. I haven’t written a blog in a while, so I guess I had a lot to say.  Here are my final tips…try to go to a Beth//James concert. My son and his girlfriend write the BEST songs and are such great musician/singer/songwriter/performers. They just make my heart smile. Also, go to see the band, BRASUKA that my sweet husband, Tom plays in. They do the most joyous Brazilian influenced, Sergio Mendez kind of tunes. You can’t listen to them and stay down in the dumps. It is too beautiful and too joyous. One night during the worst part of my radiation treatments I went to enjoy one of their concerts. It lifted my spirits. I couldn’t help but smile. They’ve also been great buds to Tom during this struggle, checking on him and being all supportive and kind. And if you like Sushi, come hear Tom and me at The Little Katana restaurant in Las Colinas next Friday (April 20). I love to sing and play with Tom. It is one of the joys of my life. Cancer has not robbed me of that. Thank you Jesus! Also, come to Trinity Bible Church on a Sunday morning. We LOVE to lead worship with our friends on the worship team at TBC. The music transcends our trials and brings us into God’s presence where it is truly ALL GOOD.

Here’s to the exciting SEASONS to come. There really is a lot more ahead. I just know it!

Soli Deo Gloria

PAM

Traditions, the Ordinary, the Amazing and the Awful

January 15, 2018

When I finished my last radiation treatment on December 20th, I asked my radiation oncologist, "What do I do now?" He replied, "Nothing really. Just rest and recover".  I've got to be honest, that wasn't what I expected to hear. I expected some long list of things that I would need to change.  I expected more appointments to make and more specific healthcare instructions to follow. I do have one "at home" treatment that I have to administer to myself for quite sometime; but other than that, I'm just following doctor's orders and resting and recovering from the most unexpected, terrifying and exhausting experience of my life.

I'm glad I rang the bell to signify the end of treatment as I posted earlier. Because you see, in many ways walking away from the cancer treatment center that day was quite anticlimactic after all the anxiety, weariness, emotional turmoil, hubbub and daily inconvenience. It felt right to mark the end of that journey with some sort of ceremony. Bell ringing was a good thing. But, with that traditional bell ringing ceremony at the center, no pronouncement is made that you are well. The treatment is over.  That is the pronouncement. That is the celebration. I choose to believe I am healed.

I left the facility that day, went home and slept and rested for two days. I woke up the third day and then went right into "get all of the Christmas shopping done in one and half days mode!" It was a hectic, fun diversion. There were meals to plan, worship services to prepare, cards to write, presents to wrap, friends and family to call or visit, decorating to finish, and a house to clean for my Christmas company. Then, there was the wonderful tradition of Christmas Eve services with our church family and Christmas Day celebration with our little family. That didn't leave a lot of time for "woe is me". All of the traditions we've observed and the Christmas prep that we have done every year of our lives, we did again. Cancer or no cancer - Christmas 2017 came! It reminded me of the routine of life - the ordinary.

The fact that after such a huge event in my life we went right into our traditions that have been with us every year of our lives meant a lot to me. It reminded me that I'm in the middle of my life. It isn't over. There are the very difficult times, but then there are the normal things:  the grocery shopping and the errands and the cleaning and the getting up every morning for work. My life is really not made up of only the major, big horrible moments or the major, big wonderful moments. It is mostly just made up of ordinary days. L.R Knost said:

"Life is amazing. And then it's awful. And then it's amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful, it's ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That's just living, heart breaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it's breathtakingly beautiful."

I've thought of some of my favorite memories in life and most of them occurred on normal days. I could share many, but I'll share one today. I remember a day, about 26 years ago, when we lived in Weatherford and Tom taught at Weatherford College. He had taken our only car on an out of town trip for work for several days and I didn't have a car.  Jordan was 2 1/2 years old. I was sick of being couped up in the house. We had already walked to the park several times. At the time I probably was mad about it and complaining a bit in my spirit. I don't remember that, but knowing me, that was probably the case. I grabbed Jordan and his stroller and we walked all the way to McDonalds. (don't judge....I know, I know).

Jordan... at 2 years and 2 months

It was a long way from our house. He loved to play on the McDonalds playground. He needed to be entertained and I needed to get out of the house. I ordered him a happy meal and we sat and ate lunch together after we had played on the playground for a long time. While we were eating, in walked a family of short people. When I was young, they were  called "midgets" in those insensitive olden days. I think "short people" is more in keeping with modern terminology. I might be wrong. It is so hard to know how to "label" certain things. The last thing I would want to do is offend. Anyway, Jordan had never seen a family of short people. And as a 2 and1/2 year old he was absolutely mesmerized. I watched him watch every movement the little family made. At first he looked confused, then he shouted at the top of his lungs in a very excited voice, "look mommy! It's puppet people!" I remember cringing. I remember wanting to be invisible. There was a hushed silence that came over the entire restaurant. I smiled at Jordan, grabbed him and the stroller and we headed home. On the way I laughed and told him about families that look different. I explained God made all kinds of people and they are all dearly loved by their creator. We should look at everyone as part of God's precious family.

It was an ordinary day. It started out with me being grouchy because I was couped up in the house, then taking a long walk to just do something different!  I enjoyed the walk and time with my little boy. Then, we did something HE liked to do at a place that HE enjoyed. I loved spending time with him and seeing him have fun. Then, he said something that really was absolutely hilarious considering the circumstances, but I was mortified because I didn't want the people to feel offended. We left quickly and enjoyed a teachable moment on the way home about the beauty of God's imaginative creation and all the wonderful, different types of people in the world. It was just an ordinary day, but really, it was quite extraordinary. To quote L.R. Knost again...It was "breathtakingly beautiful."

On Sunday our Pastor, Jon Sherman, used an umbrella as an illustration. Life is not divided into categories (like the spokes of a big umbrella). Instead, it is all .... the amazing, the awful and the ordinary.... under the umbrella of a loving God working out His purposes. We are called to love HIM with all our heart and soul and mind. After this cancer journey, I realize it really isn't all about me.  Oh, yes, I've read that, heard that and tried to believe that for sometime. But, I don't know if I've really KNOWN it.  You know?

Sometimes things will work out just like I want them to. More often than not, they won't. Sometimes it will just be an ordinary Tuesday. People will let me down, gossip about me, try to compete with me, (I really didn't know there was a competition). But sometimes, (like in the midst of a cancer journey) people will be amazing.  Remember Pam: (I'm talking to myself here!) it isn't about me!  If I realize I'm walking under the umbrella of God's love and I'm blessed to be a part of THE story that HE is telling the world, then my ordinary days will suddenly seem quite extraordinary. The fact He can use me to help tell the story, well that is definitely extraordinary. Maybe I will begin to recognize more of my ordinary days as being "breathtakingly beautiful". I hope so.

So here's to a healthy 2018. We still have to get Tom through his cancer treatments. We ask your prayers for him on the journey he will walk this spring. We will get through it. We will face the amazing, the awful and the ordinary under the big umbrella of the love of God.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Pam

"COME AND SEE WHAT GOD HAS DONE"

(This is a lovely Christmas song entitled, "Noel" that I had the honor of singing last year on Christmas Eve. This is a video of the song from one of the Christmas Eve services, 2016.)

The line from the song in the above video, "Come and see what God has done" is the title for today's blog. Because you see, God has done a lot in my life this fall. Here is a little bit more of the story of my cancer/life journey.

On Wednesday, December 20th I had my final radiation treatment! It was a big deal. They have a tradition at the treatment facility. When you finish your radiation treatments you read aloud a quote that is displayed on the wall. Sorry, I didn't memorize it or write it down; however, it was all about the journey you've completed and looking forward to the future with hope. After you read it, you ring a bell three times. Well, I rang the heck out of that sucker. Here is a pic....

Can you tell that I am quite happy? So thankful to be done with my treatments for cancer. So hopeful that the cancer is out of my body and I'm on the road to being healthy and whole. That is what we are claiming and believing. I'm healing and feeling a little bit better with each sunrise.

As I came to the finish of the prescribed treatments it seemed like a real time of reflection. I had some hard moments this fall, but at every turn I saw the grace of God. God's grace was evident in the kind hug of a radiation technician who saw the tears in my eyes before one particularly difficult treatment. God's grace was evident in a husband willing to drive me to treatments every single, solitary day. It was not convenient. It was a huge inconvenience; however, Tom wanted to support me. He shows his love through his gift of service and that gift was given to him by the grace of God.  God's grace was evident in my son, who called every day to check up on me and encourage me and lift me up during this time. It was by the grace of God that my PetScan was clear and I was told I would not need to have chemotherapy, when two weeks prior they had said I would probably have to have chemo. It was by the grace of God that I was able to keep working throughout the daily radiation treatments. It was the grace of God who led my boss to write me encouraging notes and to ask my fellow teachers (public school mind you) to pray for me. It was by the grace of God that I had dear friends who called me or texted me, or sent me an encouraging note. I received many of those calls, texts and notes just at a moment when I felt alone and fearful. It was by the grace of God that I made it through one of the most difficult seasons I've faced so far in life.  It will be by the grace of God that I learn to be more caring and aware of people who are sick and struggling. By His grace, maybe I can be the one who offers the hug or the kind word or note of encouragement. Now that I know how much it means to someone, I must pay it forward.

I'll be sharing some of the things that I learned during this season in the next few blogs. As a little bit of an introduction to that, I want to end today's entry with a mention of one of the main things I've gained from this journey. I have just begun to gain an elementary understanding of COMMON GRACE. I'm also growing in my theology of work. These two things are changing me in ways I never imagined. I'll be sharing more about it in blogs to come.

God is bigger than I've thought Him to be. He uses people and things that I never imagined He would use. He can use an atheist doctor to heal many people. He can be helpful and kind and compassionate. Because the doctor is not a Christian, would I refuse to be treated by him? That would be ludicrous. God gifted that man or woman...even if they don't acknowledge where their intelligence, compassion,  calling and drive came from. 

God's story is being told, His story is going to be told and He is writing it in whatever way He pleases using whatever people or instruments of grace that He chooses. COMMON GRACE is changing the way I see the world and I am very thankful for that. 

"The Lord is good to all and His mercy is over all that He has made." Psalm 145:9

"For when Gentiles, who do not have the law, by nature do what the law requires, they are a law to themselves, even though they do not have the law. They show that the work of the law is written on their hearts, while their conscience also bears witness, and their conflicting thoughts accuse or even excuse them."  - Romans 2:14-15

"But, I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father which is in Heaven. For He makes His sun rise on the evil and the good and sends rain on the just and the unjust." - Matthew 5:44-45

Very thankful to have seen and acknowledge God's grace to everyone.

Soli Deo gloria

Pam

November 14, 2017

Good news, Birds and God's Love

About 4 years ago I had a really hurtful experience and I sank into a clinical depression. It was horrible. No one really knew-except Tom, who as he always does, hung in there with me and helped to see me through that ugly, dark pit.

During that time I prayed a lot. I was on my knees quite a bit just asking God to help me. One night, when I was particularly sad, somehow I came to an "agreement" with God. I just expressed in a prayer that I needed to be assured of His love for me. I asked for some kind of sign. When you're going through depression sometimes you just need something tangible to help you. It came to my mind that I needed a reminder of God's deep love for me.  During one of my heartfelt prayer sessions I felt like I heard God's voice (no, I'm not a weirdo...He didn't speak out loud). It was just a strong impression. It seemed to say, "whenever you hear a bird sing, it is my reminder to you that I love you".  This became our "agreement".

That may sound crazy, but for me it was a tangible thing that manifested itself in truly amazing ways. On one particular dark night I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I woke up and the first thing I heard were some birds singing outside my bedroom window. It felt like a warm hug from a God who truly loves me. Ever since then whenever I hear a bird sing, I think..."God is giving me the reminder that He sees, He knows and He cares for me." Since that time, I've heard birds singing at the most interesting moments.

Fast forward to this "C" word experience. Cancer sucks. In case your wondering how I feel about it, I'll say it again...CANCER SUCKS! For the past 2 weeks I've been waiting on approval from my insurance company for a PetScan that my oncologist ordered so that they could do the test to determine whether or not radiation will be enough of a treatment, or if I will have to endure chemotherapy. I'm scared to death of chemotherapy. I have been so anxious for 2 weeks. I haven't been able to sleep, my blood pressure (which has never been high) has been through the roof, I have heart palpitations and I've felt like a basket case.  Not trying to sugar coat anything here; instead, just giving you the facts. You can tell, I haven't been a super strong soldier.

Now that you know the back-story I must tell you the remarkable story of this past weekend.

On Friday night my sweet friend, Kara Walton (who is our vocalist intern at church) reserved tickets for Tom and me to go to the UNT Jazz Singer concert to hear her and the group perform. Friday after school I felt pretty tired and kind of sick to my stomach. Tom encouraged me to suck it up and go to the performance. He knew I'd love to see Kara sing and he knew that I love Jennifer Barnes and the Jazz Singers. Tom knew it would lift my spirits. It did.

After the concert we waited to say hi to Kara. She came and gave us a hug and we congratulated her on a wonderful performance. She gave me a little package and said her mother had made something special for me. Her mom couldn't make the concert and she wanted to express her gratitude to Tom and I for being Kara's Texas family. Kara's mom had hand sewn four beautiful little birds. There was one for spring, summer, fall and winter. They were precious. Kara also gave me a note from her mom.

We drove home after the concert and when I unloaded the car I grabbed the birds, but misplaced the note. I hadn't had a chance to read it.

I have one dear and close long time friend, Margaret Ashmore who is a cancer survivor. She's been through it all - chemo, radiation, t-cell transplant, etc. She's been on the cancer rollercoaster. On Sunday morning I couldn't get calmed down. I had been up most of the night. I sent her a text message and asked her to pray. I told her that I just couldn't get a handle on my anxiety. It was getting the best of me. She understood and promised to pray and talk with me later in the day.

The entire day Sunday was an emotional rollercoaster. On top of my anxious thoughts I had guilt for not being able to just give my anxiety to God and leave it there. I was not handling the waiting and not knowing well at all. I practiced deep breathing, sat quietly, went outside for fresh air. Really, nothing at all was working. Then I went to get some things out of the car and I found the note from Kara's mom. I read it. She explained her inspiration for making the birds for me. She also wrote out every lyric to the song, "His Eye is on the Sparrow". "Jesus is my portion, my constant friend is He, He eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me. I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free. His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me." Each little bird also had a bell sewn into it so that it sounds like the bird is singing when you shake it.

I cried my eyes out. I realized that God really was listening to my cries for help. He heard my prayer and He gave me the most amazing tangible reminder. After reading Kara's mom's notes about the birds my anxiety went away. For the first time in two weeks I could breathe without a tightness in my chest. I knew God was listening and He heard my cries. He had manifested our "agreement" in the sweetest way. Kara didn't know about my bird agreement. Neither did her mom. Crazy coincidence? I think not!

That night I decided to reach out on Facebook and ask people to pray. Over 300 people agreed to pray for me. My mom's church and her prayer group were remembering me in prayer. My McAnally family was praying for me. People at TBC were praying for me. Former students were praying for me. Tom's former students were praying for me. Musician friends were praying for me. Jordan and his friends in Austin were praying for me. Even a friend who lives in Korea was praying for me! It was an amazing and encouraging outpouring of love.

The results of the scan came in today. It was a CLEAN SCAN. The one lymph node that had been swollen...no cancer...it was clean. I will not have to have chemotherapy! If I can get through these next few weeks of radiation, that will be the extent of my treatment for this bout with the dreaded "C" word.

I am amazed at the goodness of God. He is the healer. That lymph node was swollen two weeks ago in the CatScan. Between that time and Monday's PetScan, it was healed. I give God the credit. The prayers of the Saints were heard. I am blessed beyond measure.

Since I can't hear birds singing in the radiation room I now take one of the little birds that Kara's mom made me into the room with me. I hold it during my treatment and jingle it a little to hear its song. It is a tangible reminder that God is in that radiation room with me. Sometimes I imagine the angel armies in the room as well. I know this for sure....God loves me. He loves you too. My little birds serve as a tangible reminder.

Thanks for the prayers my friends. You are an amazing army of prayer warriors and I am forever grateful. Your sincere prayers were answered in the most incredible, positive way.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Pam